Two personal stories come to mind when I read this post. Well, quite a few stories, but I’ll share two with you.

This post is so raw and so real, and as I read it, I felt fragile and grateful for what Teresa wrote and for the journey we are all on.

I Never Learned How to Love Children

 
by Teresa Graham Brett

schaaflicht / People Photos / CC BY-NC-SA

In her book, All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks wrote this paragraph that has stayed with me for some time. I’ve written about it before, but for some reason I was drawn back to want to write about it again.

The first time I wrote something, I merely touched the surface of my feelings and the way it challenged me. This time, I finally got to the core of some truth, even if it took me a while to get there.

She writes:

“An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as we were also taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad.” – bell hooks

I’ve read this portion of the book many, many times.

And I struggle even now with it.

Even as I wrote this, I kept typing and deleting as I desperately tried to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings, thoughts and feelings that need to come to the surface.

I took a break from trying to write and washed some dishes. I cooked a bit and noticed the ways I was feeling annoyed and short-tempered with my family. It was still sitting with me.

But then the truth hit me in a flash. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it.

The truth is I know very little about loving children.

And here’s why…

I never learned how to love children without control.

I never learned how to love children without conditions.

I never learned how to love children and not make them responsible for my happiness.

I never learned how to love children without expecting them to “do better next time.”

I never learned how to love children for just being who they are, not for what they do.

I never learned how to love children without wanting to change something about them.

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When I was in college, a friend of mine said to me, “Remember when we were kids and we were punished, and then we had to say we were sorry for what we did? I said I’m sorry, but I never knew what I was sorry for.” At the time, I thought her comment was kind of funny and didn’t think about it much until I became a mom.

Ten Gentle Alternatives to Punishment

 
by © Chaley-Ann Scott, author of The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering without Control

Alternatives To Punishmenttheloushe / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Many of us don’t feel comfortable using punishment with our children, but we don’t know what to do instead. We feel we have to punish bad behavior to ensure it doesn’t happen again, and to teach our kids a lesson. Without punishment, how will they learn right from wrong? The good news is that children can and do learn how to become kind, responsible and socially acceptable without us using punitive measures. Instead we can use the respectful alternatives shown below:

1. Look behind “bad” behavior and assume positive intent. We are encouraged by many parenting experts to either ignore or punish bad behavior, but this means we may miss out on an opportunity to listen to what our child is trying to communicate to us. If we see a tantrum or bad behavior as “naughtiness,” then ignoring or punishing our child will make sense. If we see it as a loud emotion that our child is trying to communicate to us the only way they know how, then ignoring or punishing doesn’t make any sense at all. All it does is encourage our child to stop trying to communicate their needs to us because we aren’t listening.

Also, what constitutes “bad” or “‘good” behavior is very subjective. Looking deeper at the behavior often makes us understand it more. Behavior that appears naughty or destructive most often through a child’s eyes is just innocent exploration and a quest for further knowledge. Sometimes it is just their way of communicating an unmet need. That can be hard for us to grasp, having been conditioned into believing children are naturally manipulative, sneaky, lazy and greedy. However, if we see our children through a more positive lens, where we trust that they are doing the best they can, we find it easier to accept that they are still learning and figuring out their way in the world.

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For most of us, when we have our second child, we are grateful that we are giving our first child a sibling — a confidant; someone he or she will be able to travel through life with, even when we are gone; a best friend for life. We imagine total bliss, holding hands, and our children thanking us for the gift we’ve given them.

Once we realize that they will not always be grateful for the gift we believe that we’ve given them, what do we do? How do we become comfortable with the relationship they have and how do we help them navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of siblinghood?

When Siblings Fight

 
by Inbal Kashtan

Sibling RivalryKen Wilcox. / Foter / CC BY-ND

Dear Inbal,

My two children play together beautifully much of the time but they also fight frequently, especially when we’re at home. Sometimes the constant bickering drives me nuts. I go back and forth between letting them work it out themselves and intervening. They yell at each other a lot and sometimes hurt each other intentionally. How can I help them learn better ways of resolving their differences?

Signed, Frustrated mother of two

Dear Frustrated Mother of Two,

Before you approach helping your children, I would suggest that you ask yourself what about their fighting is “driving you nuts.” Are you physically uncomfortable with the level of noise? Do you need more peace and quiet? Do you feel frustrated because you want some peace of mind as you go about your life in the house? Maybe you’re concerned for your children’s safety, or feel discouraged about the possibility that they will grow to live together more peacefully? Are you also confused about how to help them in these situations? There may be other feelings and needs to explore. The more you give yourself room for connecting with yourself, the clearer you will get about what strategies are likely to meet your needs. You may notice that, depending on what your needs are, your strategies may vary considerably.

Gaining inner clarity about your feelings and needs is likely to open your heart when you actually approach your children to talk about this situation. It will also enhance your ability to express yourself to them without blame or anger, dramatically increasing the likelihood that they could hear you and dialogue with you about both their needs and yours.

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You may have already read the article by reporter David Brooks, in response to retired Royal Navy officer Nick Crews’ email, now known as the Crews Missile, to his three children.

Bonnie Harris, author of “When Kids Push Your Buttons,” wrote a response to Nick Crews as well. Here it is.

What You Focus On Grows

 
by Bonnie Harris

Email letter – Nick CrewsRobert S. Donovan / Foter / CC BY

There is no question that there is not parent alive who hasn’t been annoyed, angered, and disappointed in their children at one time or another. We all know the feeling of failure when our hopes for future brilliance are dashed in a nano second when a child does exactly what he was told not to do. Suddenly we castastrophize to jail-time and a life of no friends, no employment, no responsible behavior.

Our own parenting failures provoke over-controlling reactions in our attempts to finally get it right—so they will get it right. We yell, threaten, punish, and bribe believing that our negative reactions will motivate our children to do what we want. Unless our children live in fear of what we are going to do or say, they have their own agendas fueled by what is in their best interest—getting what they want—like all of us.

This week, New York Times columnist, David Brooks commented on the now viral letter of “bitter disappointment” written by Nick Crews to his adult children—known in Britain as the Crews Missile. Whether Crews is simply blowing off years of pent up steam with no care about how his message lands or whether he truly believes his words will inspire his children to change, his letter berating their failures has shocked many and emboldened others who support his indignation.

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When kids are acting in ways that make them hard to love, that’s when they need our love the most, and that’s really really hard. Their “unlovable” behavior triggers us, and often we want to push them away when what they really need is for us to draw them in toward us, and be their safe place. But, we’re only human, right? We might be parents or teachers or caregivers, but we still have feelings, right? If you prick us, do we not bleed? So, how, when our kids are behaving in unlovable ways, do we remain calm and compassionate and regulated, so we can be there for our children?

Larry Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, has some suggestions to help us cultivate empathy in these emotionally difficult moments.

Understanding and Empathy

 
by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

Off-Track ChildSharon Drummond / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

If we look under the surface of our children’s behavior, at how they might be feeling, we are often in a better position to get things back on track. How have you nurtured that talent of looking deep inside, understanding where a child’s behavior is coming from and seeing the pain behind the problems?

When our children have been “bad,” it’s hard for us to remember that they need comfort rather than punishment. After all, when you have made a mistake, would you rather get understanding or criticism?

The best way to cultivate empathy is to focus on children’s underlying needs and feelings, instead of reacting to the behavior. If we tune in to what they need – including the need to be understood – then children will be more cooperative and happier.

But empathy – identifying and understanding another person’s feelings and difficulties – can be hard. Most of us didn’t get enough empathy when we were little. Now that we aren’t little anymore, we usually don’t want to think about when we were, and we certainly don’t want to feel those old scary or painful feelings again.

Sometimes we avoid empathy simply because we can’t handle the heartbreak of empathizing with our own child’s pain. So, instead, we yell at, scold, punish and ignore our kids, focusing on what they are doing instead of what they are experiencing underneath.

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The other day I was speaking my friend, Lisa, who is trying to get out of the habit of “Good Jobbing” her kids. Our children were playing together, and her child did something, and out of Lisa’s mouth, came the words, “Good Job!” Lisa laughed, and said, “There I go again.”

Here are some suggestions from Inbal Kashtan when you don’t want to remain silent, yet you want to say something other than “good job” (or some other form of evaluation).

The Sweetest Game in Town

Contributing Without Praise 
by Inbal Kashtan

Photo courtesy of stevendepolo

Question to Inbal: I have always tried to encourage my children in their development through praise of certain behaviors, though I don’t believe in praise or criticism of the person. For instance: “I notice you are doing a great job being patient, or generous, etc.” Or: “Thank you for being so cooperative and respectful during violin practice. Great work!” What’s your perspective on praise?

Inbal’s Answer: In every workshop I do, I end the day with at least a short segment on gratitude and appreciation. I do this in part because I believe that contributing to one another is one of the sweetest experiences in life, and I want to share with people how they might express their appreciation for such contributions—to themselves and others. I also make sure to explore this topic because I believe it’s important to reduce our dependence on praise and rewards.

One reason I try not to praise is because I see it as the exact mirror image of criticism. When I praise someone, I imply that I have the authority and power to judge their behavior. If I believe in moving away from judging something as bad, I want simultaneously to move away from judging something as good.

Here’s a brief example. One afternoon, my family and some friends were throwing Frisbees outside. When my son, who was 3 at the time, threw the Frisbee, it flew in a long arc and landed across the courtyard. The adult friend who was with us said: “You’re a great Frisbee thrower!” My son picked up the Frisbee, threw it again, and it flopped just a couple of feet from him. He said: “I’m a bad Frisbee thrower.” It seemed to me at that moment that he got very clearly the message that the flip side of “good” thrower was “bad” thrower.

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I can still remember the safety I felt when I would crawl into bed with my parents. I’m not sure that there was a safer place in the world.

When I was little, the monsters at night were in my closet and my drawers. I checked them a lot. Yet, now that I’m a parent, when it’s bedtime for my kids, and when I’m tired and I have my own agenda, I sometimes forget about those monsters or those shadows, noises, and thoughts that became larger than life when my parents turned out the lights. I’m guessing that I’m not the only parent in the world who used to have these fears.

So, where do these nighttime fears come from?

A Story of Evolutionary Mismatch

 
The monsters under the bed are real 
by Peter Gray

Infants and young children in our culture regularly protest going to bed. They make all sorts of excuses. They say they are not tired, when in fact they obviously are tired. They say they are hungry, or thirsty, or need to hear a story (and then one more story)–anything to stall. They talk about being afraid of the dark, or afraid of monsters in the closet or under the bad. Little babies without language, who can’t yet describe their fears or try to negotiate, just scream.

Why all this protest? Many years ago, the famous behavioral psychologist John B. Watson argued, essentially, that such behavior is pathological and derives from parents’ overindulgence and spoiling of children.[1] Remnants of that view still persist in books on baby care, where the typical advice is that parents must be firm about bedtime and not give in. This, the experts say, is a battle of wills, and you, as parent, must win it to avoid spoiling your child.

But clearly something is missing in this explanation from the experts. Why do infants and young children choose to challenge their parents’ will on this particular issue? They don’t protest against toys, or sunlight, or hugs (well, usually not). Why do they protest going to bed, when sleep is clearly good for them and they need it?

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I’ve been studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for about five years and hope to continue doing so for the rest of my life.

NVC helps me connect with myself, which in turn, helps me connect with others. As a parent, this is huge, because I now see every moment as an opportunity to connect with my children, and I truly believe this is key because everything happens within relationship. We cannot control our children, although at times we wish or would like to think that we can. In the end though, we can only influence — and that happens within relationship. This is true for all people who interact with kids (and with everyone else too). It changed my life. Perhaps it will change yours too.

A Parent’s Way to the Heart

 
by Inbal Kashtan

Bindaas Madhavi / Foter

I vividly remember the first time I got really mad at my son. He was about two years old, and I had just asked him not to turn on the computer. At that moment, keeping the computer off seemed very important to me. My son gazed at me with an unfamiliar look in his eyes. I imagined he was thinking to himself that he really wanted to stop, as I had asked, yet he seemed compelled to move forward anyway. While still looking at me, his little body catapulted itself toward the computer, his fingers reaching out to turn it on. To my utter astonishment, my body, too, lunged forward, my arms circled my son’s body as I pulled him away from the now buzzing computer, and I heard myself yelling, “NO!”

I was grateful to regain my equilibrium in just a moment as I noticed that this was not how I wanted to hold my child or speak to him. Immediately I expressed my sadness at having grabbed him and my desire to touch him only gently. What began as a “power struggle” and had threatened to turn into a full-fledged, mutual “tantrum,” turned instead into a moment of sweet connection as we snuggled on the floor, talking about what led him to turn on the computer, and what led me to try to hold him back.

I have certainly gotten angry in the couple of years since that incident, but I am grateful to know a process I can almost always rely on either to prevent me from venting my anger at my child or to help us reconnect if we have acted in ways that we didn’t like. This process, Nonviolent Communication, focuses on understanding and meeting people’s core human needs.

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Homework is the bane of our existence in many households. After a long day of school for the kids, outside activities, and our own work, the last thing we want to do is fight with our kids at the end of the day. And yet… there’s homework. Is it even worth it? Many studies say no, but still the homework keeps on coming. So, how can we figure out whether it’s worthwhile?

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, principal, or policy maker in your local school or district, this article aims to give you the questions to ask to help decide whether it is worthwhile. Future articles will explore what to do when it turns out it’s not.

A Checklist for Parents and Teachers

 
by Chip Woods

Photo courtesy of apdk

It’s the end of September and homework is beginning to come home in earnest. Teachers and schools have sent home letters about their homework policies, usually touting its value in teaching study habits and skills, and recommending that children spend a certain amount of time on homework each night (and increase that time as they move up in grade). Parents have also been given ideas for setting up a quiet place at home where children can practice those skills and review content they’re learning in class. Often, this practice involves filling out a certain number of worksheets, especially in language arts and math.

But how important is homework? The value and positive impact of homework on student achievement in the elementary grades has not been shown to be significant in most research studies on the matter. I have provided links to three of the myriad of such studies at the bottom of the page and you can, of course, do your own Internet search.

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Crimfants / Foter

In an effort to make children happier in the moment (or our lives easier in the moment), or with the goal of teaching kids to handle their feelings more calmly, we teach children to push their emotions deep down until, eventually, they push them so far down they get lost inside. Not lost enough so that they don’t try to resurface, but deep enough so that we’re out of touch with them. Deep enough that they are these little nagging voices that come to back to us later in the form of tics, unhappiness, depression, not listening to our gut, neurosis, and/or….

Here a quote from Nancy Carlsson-Paige’s book, Taking Back Childhood.

“Ravi, six years old, was sad because his uncle, who had been visiting the family, was leaving after the baseball game. Ravi’s dad, in an effort to cheer him up, told his son that he could get a toy from one of the vendors outside after the game. Ravi got excited about what he would buy and kept talking about it throughout the game, and the sadness he had been feeling seemed to fade away. But where did it go?”

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